Every night when we went to bed, I would lay on Derek's shoulder and we would try to talk. I say try, because a lot of nights, I would fall asleep while he was talking. It wasn't that I was bored by what he was saying, it's just that if I get still, quiet, and comfortable, I will fall asleep anywhere. I think it comes from my dad's rodeo days. I slept a million miles in the back seat, or in a camper, or on a bleacher bench, or even a blanket pallet on the ground. (Good, good times!) Usually, I think this is a blessing, but not when the person you love is sharing his feelings, or telling you how much he loves you, or making plans for a future.
Derek would realize I had fallen asleep (and not because I snore like a 454 big block Chevy, because I absolutely DO NOT!), and he would wake me up a little angry and a little hurt that I was snoozing during his important thought. I always felt bad, but seriously, if you hold me, stroke my hair and whisper how much you love me I am going to fall asleep. Can you think of a more perfect way - safe and secure?
Well, I have been carrying a LOT of guilt about those missed moments and more specifically about the night he died. I have been torturing myself with what if questions...
What if he tried to wake me up?
What made me wake up when I did?
What if he had one last beautiful thing to tell me and I missed it?
Do you see how the devil tries to isolate us with guilt and shame?? I carried this for a while before I was even able share it with my girls. I am so blessed to be surrounded by wise, praying women! One of them turned it back on me and asked, "What if God let you sleep to protect you?"
Wow.
Of course, I'd never thought of it like that. I am working on being able to praise God for this bit of grace, but I am not quite there just yet.
Today is Palm Sunday and our preacher shared the scripture from Matthew 26:36-46 where Jesus has gone to pray knowing what was ahead. He asked his disciples to "watch & pray" while he went off by himself. Three times he came back and found them sleeping. Jesus did not decide that his friends didn't love him. He didn't really even chastise them much as if he understood. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
I believe that Derek knows that I love him. I believe that he now knows what God planned and understands why I slept even if I don't. I am closer to releasing this guilt and to finding peace about this.
As we prepare for Passion Week or Holy Week, let us lay down our guilt, and worry, and shame like palm leaves, and focus on the victory that has already been won for us. Let us cry out:
Hosanna in the highest!
