Trying to decide if I should work to improve myself (physically, mostly) or work to embrace myself. Am I okay with being the somewhat eccentric widow lady who paints all her stuff crazy colors, has potatoes whenever she wants, talks to her dog, grows flowers, and gives out unsolicited yet often sage advice?
After reading that, you'd think the choice is obvious. Embrace myself! I am woman. Hear me roar. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
The translation is, does the crazy widow lady end up alone? If she does end up without a significant other, is she so in love with God and herself that she doesn't mind? Can she be alone and not lonely?
I have fretted about the opinion and approval of the opposite sex for at least 3/4 of my 48 years. Not that living in that manner was adverse, but isn't that long enough? Still I have to wonder if women who do their own thing with no regard for the opinions of others are actually more attractive to the right person as the romantic movies would lead us to believe.
On the flip side, there's also the afraid-of-failure line of thinking that says even if I try, do the work, make the improvements there is a good chance I could still end up lonely.
I can hear it now...be you. Take your time. Don't make this decision before you are ready. I know that. What if I regret the choices I make now because my options will be limited later?
I also know the right person will love you for who you are. But is that really truth? It happened one time, but can lightening strike twice?
I know my happiness does not hinge on having a companion. I also know a partner does not guarantee feeling included. I've been in a relationship with someone and been very, very lonely at the same time.
I guess it really boils down to 2 questions:
1. is what I think is the real me the best me or just the cop-out me?
And
2. Are any of the me-s going to be attractive or interesting or beautiful to someone ever again?
Answer: I really don't know. This is where my faith is tested.
