Anyone who says divorce is taking
the “easy way” out has never been divorced. I can assure you that there is
nothing easy or simple about it. While there is somewhat less of a stigma
associated with the severing of the marriage commitment in 2017 than there was
30-40 years ago, I feel that divorced people generally carry their own burden
of self-loathing and doubt. I know I
did. Prior to leaving and after I was out of the situation I continually
questioned myself. Did I try hard enough? What could I have done differently?
What’s wrong with me and what did I do to make him fall out of love with me. I
Googled: “How to save my Marriage.” I bought the book, The Love Dare, and made a good ways through. I watched
“Fireproof”.” I prayed and cried and even went to couples counselling.
Although, to be honest, by the time we made it to couples counselling my mind
was pretty much made up and I mostly needed him to have a mental health care
option when I left.
When we were dating, I feel like I
was afraid of ending up alone due to past hurts and a low self-confidence that I forced something that never should
have been because of impatience and fear. I don’t think many people go into a
marriage wanting it to fail. Happily ever after is still the expectation. Even
knowing there were issues I still believed it could be better. I am not a
quitter and I hate to be wrong. I am very serious about my faith walk. According
to the bible, there are only two acceptable reasons for divorce and even then,
“God hates” it. This weighed on me heavily. Looking back at pictures of myself
during that time, the weight was both literal and figurative (See Below). I finally had to
come to a place where my tolerance for unhappiness outweighed my self-inflicted
punishment for my unwillingness to wait on God earlier in life.
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| Girls Weekend 2014 |
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| Girls Weekend 2017 |
Most of the time, the contrast of
my current life and my former life brings me feelings of joy and gratitude.
Other times I feel guilt for having it so good (this comes from the
devil)…Still other times I feel a sense of grief for the part of my life that
was spent unhappy and unsure. For example, I wish
when my cell phone rings I didn’t still feel a panic about answering quick
enough (There was never physical abuse, but there were control issues.) I hate
that my parents who would be the greatest grandparents ever will never have
their own grandkids. Then I remember that all of that got me where I am now,
and I realize in spite of myself, I’ve found happiness. I believe I am with the
person who I am supposed to be with. I don’t have to wonder if Derek loves me. I
know it. And that has given me the freedom to start becoming a person I love. It
sure wasn’t the easy road, but the destination is worth it!
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