FEAR

I have battled with the fear of loneliness for most of my adult life. Read that closely. Not being alone. Being lonely. I was an only child - alone is kinda my jam. But loneliness,  or being forgotten or not being included...that I fear.

Looking back over my life, I see several examples of me making big decisions that were driven by fear of loneliness. I was willing to put up with a lot in order to not be lonely. In fact, the main reason I am not a mother is a result of my choice in a take it or leave it ultimatum in my first marriage. In that moment I was too afraid that leaving would have left me lonely. Here's the irony: 1. I ended up being lonely anyway even sitting in the same room and 2. Not having kids has made the probability of future loneliness much higher.

Recently in grief group, we discussed unhealthy and unproductive thought patterns. I caught myself this evening traveling down one of those roads:

I am lonely. I am completely alone. I will always be alone.

Now, my brain knows that these thoughts are not entirely my reality, but it was so easy to take that path.

This past week we have been encouraged to self contain or self quarantine or separate to stop the spread of COVID-19 aka the Corona Virus.  I have a real fear that if this happens to me I will have a mental break down. Keeping busy has been an escape for me.

Also,as I am sure you know, most all sports have been suspended for the immediate future due to this self containment plan. Now, I understand that a lot of you could not care less. Excuse me, but:  whoopty doopty do for you! This s a BIG deal for me. Sports were our thing. We watched sports, talked about sports,  traveled to see sports, had friends over to watch sports... You get the idea. Continuing to do these things was a way to stay connected to Derek and the life we built. I am afraid of losing that link to him.

I know. I know.

Faith over fear.
Fear is a liar. (I have that one on a sticky note on my computer screen)
Fear is an acronym for: False Evidence Appearing Real
Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

I know. I've heard the same speeches you have. I also know the bible tells us "do not be afraid" at least 80 times.

I am just saying that I am struggling; and that I really am trying.