No Rush

It's been 6 weeks since my last confession...I mean blog.

I've survived Derek's birthday and the anniversary of our first date. My birthday and our anniversary are coming soon. Monday was 6 months since he passed away. I miss all of him.

They placed his headstone this week and tonight Zumi and I drove up to the cemetery. I didn't tell anyone I was going. I really wanted and needed to do this on my own, although I don't really know why.
The stone is beautiful and strangely makes everything feel official and final. I love it and I don't like it.

On my drive, I prayed. Really prayed for the first time in weeks. Not just the usual morning thank you for a new day prayers. But more like: hey, God? You sure you got this? And a whole lot of I'm so sorry I keep clinging to heavy stuff you already carry for me.

I also reflected on recent real and raw conversations I've had. Some have released me of guilt and given me permission to be happy. Some have encouraged me to keep moving forward. One person, though, reminded me life happens as it happens and there's no reason to force things. Be content where you are, but don't stop looking for blessings.

I realized tonight that for a lot of my life I've been in a rush. Get through high school while achieving certain goals. ✔ College. ✔ Career. ✔ Buy a house...well, you get the idea. I wanted to face grief the same way. I wanted to put my head down, forge ahead, check off the milestones, and get through it as fast as possible. Unfortunately, that's not how grief works.

I know there is no timeline, but I know I am not a person who can be sad every day. I also know constant happiness is unreasonable. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought, but that there is strength in asking for help, too. Now I am working on letting it be.

Breathe. Just Breathe.

It's a marathon not a sprint.

Look for joy in the journey.

Live. Laugh. Love.

Don't obsess about the end game.

God is in control.