Something Better? No, thanks.

"Always remember God will never take anything away from you without the intention of replacing it with something much better."

I know this sentiment is meant to give hope, but I'm going to be honest. It rubs me wrong. In fact, I was angry the first time I saw it. Real angry. (What? God already knows.) Because if it's true, that means Derek died so I can have something better. I don't accept that. I didn't need and I am not looking for better. I was very happy.

I decided it was so awful it probably wasn't even biblical. Yep. That's it. It's just some TV preacher's name it and claim it theory. Well, that is easy enough to prove and therefore justify my anger. A quick Google search would prove I am...

Wrong. 

Really? Wrong?

Then the Lord your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you, and he will gather you again from all the peoples where the Lord your God has scattered you. -Dueteronomy 30:3

Yeah, but...

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”(Isaiah‬ ‭43:19‬ ‭NIV‬‬)

Fine. But I didn't want a new thing. I felt guilty. I don't deserve new and better especially if my husband's death is the trade.

I've been praying hard on this one. Finally the guilt (which comes from the enemy) was replaced by conviction.

First, it's okay to be selfish with my grief. It is, after all, extremely personal. However, it is not okay for me to make everything about me. Derek is in heaven.  That is not about me. That is about him completing his purpose and receiving his glorious eternal reward. Would I want to take that from him just so I could have him here with me? No, I love him too much. 

The reverse of this has to be would he be upset with me for continuing to live? Would he not want me to search for and fulfill my purpose, too? 

Secondly, the better thing God promises may be something completely different. My narrow earthly mind says the perfect marriage is the perfect life. What if God is planning to expand my vision? What if the better thing has less to do with me and more to do with Him?

My heart and mind are still processing this one. Aren't we blessed to have a God who let's us come to him and search for him? But aren't we even more blessed that we don't HAVE to figure it out? All we have to do is trust.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

I'm getting there.

Give Thanks

Thanksgiving 2020.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18"

 I think this is the year we get to better understand the significance of the pilgrims pausing to give thanks. Like us, they had come through hard times. They had lost loved ones on the journey. They had faced disease. They were searching for religious liberty. Some were seeking prosperity and facing financial ruin. The life they knew had changed completely. It sounds and feels very familiar. Especially when you realize they weren't out of woods yet. There were still a lot of unknowns and probably hard times to come. Seems like that's where we are too.

The 1621 observance may have looked  different than the 2020, but the premise is the same. Now is the time to be thankful that God has seen us through. He has provided. He did not leave them and He will continue to be with us too.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his faithful love endures forever. - Psalms 118:1"

Also consider this, Thanksgiving was a time to celebrate the harvest. It is a fact, that you harvest what you plant. (Galatians 6:7)Maybe we should use this time not only to give thanks, but to evaluate what we've been planting. Do you need to sow more seeds of hope, or love, or kindness, or faith? This time next year, what do we hope to have harvested?

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. Colossians 4:2"

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6"

Too Much of a Good Thing?

When I graduate, I will be happy.

After we get married, I will be happy.

When I get out of debt, lose 20 pounds, get the babies out of diapers, get a new car, retire... It never ends. My new mantra:

When I am happy, I will be happy.

Yep, that's it. 

Profound? Maybe. 

A new concept? Well, it was to me.

I'm not saying I don't cry more days than not. I'm not saying I have everything I want or that I don't wish a lot of things were different.

I'm saying I choose happiness. Every morning. I choose to look for the good. I choose to build up. I choose gratitude.

I wouldn't say I have stumbled onto a life truth, but do I believe that what you are and how you feel are not necessarily the same.  I believe you can be confident and feel anxious sometimes.  You can be driven but feel unmotivated. I believe you can be truly happy at the same time you feel sad. Feelings are funny - they have power, but not control. 

I recently found and shared these affirmations:

As a personal experiment, I have read them and prayed them first thing every morning for almost a month now. I wanted to see what would happen. Guess what? I am happier. I know this is the point where the self-help books would share amazing results, and my apologies if you were hoping for more. It's enough for me. For now. 

Here's the crazy part. I found myself warning myself...be careful not to get too happy,  no one likes a Pollyanna. Myself also chided myself the other morning about overusing the "love" reaction on friends' Facebook posts. That doesn't even make sense. Don't be too happy or too proud of your friends? Myself is a "dumb bunny" sometimes!

My friend shared this and I really could relate:

Too often I hold back because I'm afraid of being too much. It occurred to me that's just another form of playing small. I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes:

With God's help, I'm choosing happiness and I'm done playing small.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. I sure don't have it all figured out, but I've been working on it and I wanted to check in. Love y'all.