G is for Goals: March 2020

1.  Take better care of myself physically.

• I have joined a gym. Now I just need to use the membership.
• Eat the way that works best for my body
• Go to bed earlier (11:00 pm would be great!)
• Do something every day that makes me feel pretty

2.  Pay closer attention to where my money is going.

• No more treat yo-self attitude

3.  Create the habit of using my housework card file to stay on track. I am not able to focus at the moment.

4. Change the sheets. This is a huge deal. My inner circle knows. We shall see.

5. Buy and assemble garden beds. I have a desire to prove I can do this.

6. Work on earring project.

Every Story is Unique

This last week our close friends lost their Dad. He was a Christian and a good husband, father, and grandfather. I had the privilege to be in his space several times over the last few years. Tomorrow will be the 2nd time in two months we will all gather at the same funeral home.

Also, this last week, one of my favorite customers came in the bank. This was the first time I'd seen her since her husband suddenly passed away earlier this month. She didn't know about Derek yet. We sat at my desk holding each other's hands for a good while sharing our stories. She told me this was her second husband. She lost her first husband in a car wreck when she was 30 and her children were small.

A couple of weeks ago at my Momma's church we prayed for a family who had lost their grandfather. The father of the family didn't show up for the funeral visitation, so someone went to look for him and found that he had also died.

Every story is unique. And tragic...it was Christmas Eve...he just graduated...her first grandbaby is on the way. These are just the ones I've prayed for the last few months.

Y'all. We gotta just love each other. Have compassion and be kind. Everyone is going through something.

Live out loud. Laugh as often as you can. Love as hard as you can.

Understanding

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This last week in my Grief Share bible study group, the topic was "Why?" I haven't really asked why. I understand by faith that God doesn't owe me an explanation. I understand that even if I knew why I probably could understand it because God's ways are not our ways. I am also painfully aware that even if I knew why, and even if I understood why, Derek would still be gone. So, while questioning why is perfectly natural it is not a productive use of my thoughts.

The other part of the discussion was a little harder for me. We were reminded of three things:

God is sovereign. - He has always had a plan and a purpose for each of us. That has not changed, so therefore there must be a hope for my future. (This one is very encouraging!)

God is good - God sent his son to die for our sins because he loves us. We didn't deserve it. If he loved me that much, He didn't just stop loving or favoring me on January 13, 2020. (This one is tougher to accept, but not any less true or encouraging)

God understands - Really??

I started putting up my wall at this point. I shifted in my chair. I started tapping my pen. I was thinking, "How is that even the same. God knew Jesus would be resurrected in a very short time. God knew that he would soon be sitting beside Him in glory. That is not the same..."

Something on the video brought me back from my inner thoughts. The man was quoting John 11:35.

Jesus wept.

It's the shortest verse in the bible and it describes Jesus' reaction when he was told that his friend, Lazarus, had died. The weeping that is talked about is not getting misty-eyed. The word that is used for wept is full out lament. Sobbing, maybe wailing, ugly crying grief expression. This got my attention for real. Jesus knew that he would resurrect His friend. He knew that Lazarus' death was not a permanent situation. Yet, he wept. Why? Because the death  of someone you love is  like your heart being stomped on.  Both the person and your breath are gone and it's suffocating at times.

I found this on Pinterest (of course!):

I became aware that Jesus DOES understand and even more, grace, comfort and peace are His to give.



Identify Theft

My whole life I've had an identity related to someone else. I was someone's daughter, then someone's roommate, someone's ex, Derek's wife...

Being Derek's wife was the best of all. We were so happy, I know that identity was a perfect fit. He had such a way of letting me shine, but it was always Team Griffith in the end. Yesterday, shopping with my friend, I found a shirt that was kinda cute. Would he have liked it? Is funky cowgirl my style anymore? Does it fit my future, which I have no plan for yet? I got panicky and put it back. Who am I? What do I like? Where would I wear it? Would I be going by myself and if so would it draw too much attention? I let doubt take over and decided without Derek here, I don't know who I am anymore.

The enemy is such a jerk...and an identity thief.

I confided in my friend. I prayed.

Today, I remembered a little poem I wrote back in August. I was in a place where I was pretty content with who I am.

It dawned on me all those things are still true. That may be the only thing in my life that hasn't changed.  Country girl or sports fan? Business minded or poet? Why can't I be all of the above? I am a daughter of the King. He has made me unique. No labels. Just me.

I know Derek would love that, because he loved me.

My new horse hair tassel necklace and my old baseball keychain. I bought them both because at the time, they "spoke" to me. Yes, I notice what they have in common...

If Landscapes Were Lovers

If landscapes were lovers,
The Texas coast would be mine.
I'd slip off to meet him,
Leave commitments behind.

Let the sea breeze like fingers
Run through my hair
The surf touch my body
Sweet secrets we'd share.

Take long moonlit walks,
Feel the sand on my feet,
Waves making music
Make the evening complete.

Let saltwater wash
Cares and worries away
Clear my mind and refocus,
Get perspective and pray.

Find beautiful seashells,
And maybe myself
Fresh seafood and sunshine
Are good for your health.

From South Padre Island
To fishing Port A
From the Galveston sea wall
And Matagorda Bay.

If landscapes were lovers
The Texas coast would be mine.
I'd slip off to meet him
Leave commitments behind.

Time Reflections

Lately, I have a lot of time to think about time.

Time is strange. It's been one month since Derek went to heaven. It feels like it was this morning and it feels like it's been forever. Time has stood still and moved faster than I can comprehend.

Before the mountains were born or brought forth the earth & the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night - Psalm 90: 2 & 4

Time feels unfair. We didn't have enough. I know I've said, "5 years or 500 - it would never be enough" I just feel like so much time was wasted while we were being made into the person the other one needed. We didn't get to make babies together. We didn't get to grow old together. We still had a list of things we wanted to see and do together.

A person's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed. - Job 14: (NIV)

Time is overwhelming. If 30 days was this hard, how will I survive 365 days or 5 years??
How do you plan for things in the future when your present has been altered so harshly?

Time is precious. Stop wasting it on things that don't matter. Last summer I read something about the 5 minute rule. It said if something won't matter in 5 years, don't spend more than 5 minutes worrying about it. I had been working on that.

Time heals? We will see. I know the passing of time has helped with the grief of losing my Dad. It helped with moving forward after a traumatic incident as a child (see blog section on G is for Grace). I am keeping faith.

I Am One of the "All" Who are Weary and Heavy Burdened...

Grief is like carrying around a heavy weight and I'm exhausted. I want to put it down but it's also precious. Is that not the craziest thing? It feels like if I put it down, even just some of it, I am letting him go; and I'm not ready to do that.

I have been reminded there is no timeline for grief.  "Take as long as you need." Well, that's great advice. Except life hasn't stopped. Bills are still due. The car still needs fuel. People still make deposits and want to open new accounts. So while my world has stopped, it's also madly spinning. The image of that throw up inducing playground equipment comes to mind. A big kid has spun it and I'm just hanging on to the edge dragging a foot, trying to slow it down.

The point is that between the weight carrying, and the ceaseless world spinning, and the shame of self-doubt, I'm exhausted.

Shame of self doubt? Oh yeah, there's that too. When Derek and I got together, I was pretty broken. He helped me find myself again. He made me feel safe and reminded me I was strong. And smart. And he told me constantly that I was beautiful. I felt it and I believed it. Now, I just doubt. And I am ashamed of that doubt.

This is very raw. Very real. I hope that some day I will grow accustomed to the weight of grief, but I don't know that I  will ever put it down. I hope that I will be able to move back to the center and tolerate the spinning of my world. I hope that I will remember the strength and beauty he built up inside me with his love.

But, today? Today, I am just very tired.

Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28