I Am One of the "All" Who are Weary and Heavy Burdened...

Grief is like carrying around a heavy weight and I'm exhausted. I want to put it down but it's also precious. Is that not the craziest thing? It feels like if I put it down, even just some of it, I am letting him go; and I'm not ready to do that.

I have been reminded there is no timeline for grief.  "Take as long as you need." Well, that's great advice. Except life hasn't stopped. Bills are still due. The car still needs fuel. People still make deposits and want to open new accounts. So while my world has stopped, it's also madly spinning. The image of that throw up inducing playground equipment comes to mind. A big kid has spun it and I'm just hanging on to the edge dragging a foot, trying to slow it down.

The point is that between the weight carrying, and the ceaseless world spinning, and the shame of self-doubt, I'm exhausted.

Shame of self doubt? Oh yeah, there's that too. When Derek and I got together, I was pretty broken. He helped me find myself again. He made me feel safe and reminded me I was strong. And smart. And he told me constantly that I was beautiful. I felt it and I believed it. Now, I just doubt. And I am ashamed of that doubt.

This is very raw. Very real. I hope that some day I will grow accustomed to the weight of grief, but I don't know that I  will ever put it down. I hope that I will be able to move back to the center and tolerate the spinning of my world. I hope that I will remember the strength and beauty he built up inside me with his love.

But, today? Today, I am just very tired.

Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28