I wouldn't dream of going no where
Silly woman, come here. let me hold you
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy girl." Eli Young band
I never thought I was a crazy girl. I mean I know some seriously messed up chicks. "Bitches be crazy." They rant on Facebook, they date losers and then they're surprised when losers do what losers do. Not me though, I had it under control.
When Derek and I found each other, I figured out it wasn't because I was so normal, it was because I had never gone "all in" before. I wasn't crazy, because I wasn't passionate. With him I felt safe. I was taken care of like never before. Our first date "the best night ever" as we called it, we talked until 4 in the morning. We decided to see where it went, feel what we felt, be honest, and if it was meant to be it would be. Either way, nothing held back. All in.
Emotions come in good and bad. We walked through them all. He could make me cry with sweet words. Furious with a smart mouth and that head bobble thing he did. He held me up when Dad died. He let me vent, but he also called me out. He could talk me back from the ledge.
I think the big thing with keeping everything bottled up, is once it's out it doesn't go back as easy. Now that he's gone I don't know how to not be passionate. Some days I'm okay. Some days there's nothing I can do but react to the raw. And some days keeping the crazy in check is too much and I don't have the energy. This week has been a mixture of all three.
He loved me like crazy.
I miss him like crazy.
Maybe embracing it is just one more step of healing. Maybe I'll never come back. I know the old "normal" isn't me anymore, and I realize I need to channel these current emotions too. So I suppose, I'm about to do something great or become the most eccentric woman ever. Maybe both. Stay tuned.
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