Life, Purpose, and Puctuation

Last week, I got to see the proof for Derek's headstone (and mine!). Never in a million years, would I have dreamed I would be doing that at this time in my life. I think it turned out perfect. Seeing the dates of birth and death reminded me of this familiar poem:

The Dash Poem (By Linda Ellis) 

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
From the beginning...to the end

He noted that first came the date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
Know what that little line is worth

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering this special dash
Might only last a little while

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent YOUR dash?



I've been inspired by this poem for years, and I began to wonder if other punctuation correlated with life. Thinking back over my life, an exclamation point would certainly describe my relationship with Derek. We tried to cram a lot of life in, not because we thought the end was so close, but because we felt like our beginning came so late. So, we tried to make up for lost time.  We traveled. We were spontaneous. We were bold in our feelings for each other. Arguing over dumb stuff, making up, making out, praying...Everything we did had passion behind it. Even in the day to day, we could find joy and excitement.
   

If our time together was and exclamation point, then January 13th was the period. I read that the purpose of the period is to show the end.  It "is intended to make a statement…” (www.gingersoftware.com) It is the ugliest statement I've ever heard. It is the kind of statement where someone deserves to have their mouth washed out with soap. It is not a statement I would have made on my own. Clearly, I am not a fan of the period.

So far, this grief process is just a lot of question marks and a huge comma.  Questions that you eventually have to accept that there is no answer. Later even after you accept that there is no answer, you try asking the same thing a different way and hope that you are suddenly enlightened. You aren't. You suddenly realize that this time questioning is all part of the comma. The giant pause. Life is on hold for a moment. "... the comma represents a pause, which...functions to clarify meaning.” (www.butte.edu)  A pause to clarify meaning. The meaning of the loss. The meaning of life. The meaning of our life together. The meaning of my new life with out Derek. A pause for a breath. 

Recently, I was struggling some with the encouraging phrases "you got this" and "keep moving forward." I found myself feeling bitter and ungracious. I messaged a friend who has been on this road a little longer than I have and asked her if I am supposed to be "moving forward",  where the hell am I going? They say I've got this. Got what? What is the goal? Stay out of the liquor store and the State Hospital? Because some days those are very real goals!! She messaged me back:

"Maybe they mean keep moving forward until you find your purpose...why you and I are still here but our husbands are not." 

At first I didn't like that answer, because it just felt like more question marks and question marks are so exhausting. I don't know my purpose and a most of the time I don't even know how to look for it.

I saw this t-shirt last week:

• 
  

A semicolon. Even though many days I have wished it was, I know my story isn’t over. God has some reason for it to continue. Just because I'm nerdy like that, I researched the semicolon and found:

“When a semicolon is used to join two or more ideas (parts)... those ideas are then given equal position or rank.” (writing.wisc.edu) 

Two parts with equal rank...If my story is not over, does this mean that my future will be just as meaningful as my time with Derek? Honestly, I can't see it now, but I can hope that it will.  I can try to trust that God has plans to prosper and not harm me.