1. He's gone
2. Your mind is gone
3. Everything else sucks too
#1 is pretty obvious. #3 sounds whiny and needy, and even though it's pretty much true, I am trying hard not to be either of those things. So, if you don't mind, let's talk about the mind.
I have mentioned grief brain in earlier posts. I've been very surprised by how much of a struggle organizing thoughts, remembering things, and sometimes following conversations can be.
Case in point: last week I was in the front yard watering flowers. My neighbor who I don't really know was in her yard too. We exchanged pleasantries, chitchatted about flowers and the weather. Then in mid-conversation, my water can emptied and I just walked off to go refill it. Yep, just left her standing right there. When I realized what I'd done, I turned around just in time to see her front door close behind her.
It's kinda funny, but it's mostly embarrassing. I am working on this issue. I am doing brain training games, making lists, setting reminders, trying to get more sleep...all the recommended things.
I have found another aspect of brain malfunction: I cannot make a decision.
I used to know what I want. Sometimes I made wrong choices, but I am so stubborn I just stuck with it and made the best of it. Now I can't decide. I have some theories. I feel like maybe I never was a good decision maker. Maybe I just always had someone to bounce ideas off of - someone to tap the brakes or cheer me on. Maybe making decisions alone is just really hard and not what I ever wanted to do so my heart has conspired with my brain and they are functioning under protest.
In our back yard there is a place for a grill. I don't want that kind of grill. I have sat staring at this thing many evenings now. First it was going to be a water feature. Now maybe a place for plants, or extra seating for parties we won't host, maybe fill it in and make it a planter, or a water feature, or leave it as a grill, or maybe even a place where guests could sit. Sigh.
If I'm struggling that much with this choice, can you just imagine my brain with, maybe I should refi the house and try to get a lower payment? Or do I really need two SUVs? Wouldn't an SUV and a pick-up make more sense? Or what to do and where to go on my required vacation, because I sure as hell can't just stay here? Or should I call or text my friends? I don't don't want to be a burden. Should I share this blog? What if people just hit like because they feel sorry for me?
It never stops.
Right now, I don't have the answers, but I know where to find them. I am now holding on to these promises:
Just continue to breathe. One breath in one breath out and repeat. Continue to listen. The answer or decision will come to you. And mostly, don't beat yourself up. Give yourself time. Focus on the memories. Laughing and crying are both good medicine. Sending hugs & prayers.
ReplyDeleteI like your writing and believe it to be therapeutic and healing for you and those who read it. Things will forever be different, but you will persevere. Hugs and prayers.
ReplyDeleteSome people think that it would be great to not have to “deal with” someone else when it comes to making those decisions. Those people are wrong of course, but they won’t know that until they are where you are.
ReplyDeleteJust remember you are still loved. And strong. And just. And loving. And...