Something Better? No, thanks.

"Always remember God will never take anything away from you without the intention of replacing it with something much better."

I know this sentiment is meant to give hope, but I'm going to be honest. It rubs me wrong. In fact, I was angry the first time I saw it. Real angry. (What? God already knows.) Because if it's true, that means Derek died so I can have something better. I don't accept that. I didn't need and I am not looking for better. I was very happy.

I decided it was so awful it probably wasn't even biblical. Yep. That's it. It's just some TV preacher's name it and claim it theory. Well, that is easy enough to prove and therefore justify my anger. A quick Google search would prove I am...

Wrong. 

Really? Wrong?

Then the Lord your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you, and he will gather you again from all the peoples where the Lord your God has scattered you. -Dueteronomy 30:3

Yeah, but...

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”(Isaiah‬ ‭43:19‬ ‭NIV‬‬)

Fine. But I didn't want a new thing. I felt guilty. I don't deserve new and better especially if my husband's death is the trade.

I've been praying hard on this one. Finally the guilt (which comes from the enemy) was replaced by conviction.

First, it's okay to be selfish with my grief. It is, after all, extremely personal. However, it is not okay for me to make everything about me. Derek is in heaven.  That is not about me. That is about him completing his purpose and receiving his glorious eternal reward. Would I want to take that from him just so I could have him here with me? No, I love him too much. 

The reverse of this has to be would he be upset with me for continuing to live? Would he not want me to search for and fulfill my purpose, too? 

Secondly, the better thing God promises may be something completely different. My narrow earthly mind says the perfect marriage is the perfect life. What if God is planning to expand my vision? What if the better thing has less to do with me and more to do with Him?

My heart and mind are still processing this one. Aren't we blessed to have a God who let's us come to him and search for him? But aren't we even more blessed that we don't HAVE to figure it out? All we have to do is trust.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

I'm getting there.

Give Thanks

Thanksgiving 2020.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18"

 I think this is the year we get to better understand the significance of the pilgrims pausing to give thanks. Like us, they had come through hard times. They had lost loved ones on the journey. They had faced disease. They were searching for religious liberty. Some were seeking prosperity and facing financial ruin. The life they knew had changed completely. It sounds and feels very familiar. Especially when you realize they weren't out of woods yet. There were still a lot of unknowns and probably hard times to come. Seems like that's where we are too.

The 1621 observance may have looked  different than the 2020, but the premise is the same. Now is the time to be thankful that God has seen us through. He has provided. He did not leave them and He will continue to be with us too.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his faithful love endures forever. - Psalms 118:1"

Also consider this, Thanksgiving was a time to celebrate the harvest. It is a fact, that you harvest what you plant. (Galatians 6:7)Maybe we should use this time not only to give thanks, but to evaluate what we've been planting. Do you need to sow more seeds of hope, or love, or kindness, or faith? This time next year, what do we hope to have harvested?

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. Colossians 4:2"

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6"

Too Much of a Good Thing?

When I graduate, I will be happy.

After we get married, I will be happy.

When I get out of debt, lose 20 pounds, get the babies out of diapers, get a new car, retire... It never ends. My new mantra:

When I am happy, I will be happy.

Yep, that's it. 

Profound? Maybe. 

A new concept? Well, it was to me.

I'm not saying I don't cry more days than not. I'm not saying I have everything I want or that I don't wish a lot of things were different.

I'm saying I choose happiness. Every morning. I choose to look for the good. I choose to build up. I choose gratitude.

I wouldn't say I have stumbled onto a life truth, but do I believe that what you are and how you feel are not necessarily the same.  I believe you can be confident and feel anxious sometimes.  You can be driven but feel unmotivated. I believe you can be truly happy at the same time you feel sad. Feelings are funny - they have power, but not control. 

I recently found and shared these affirmations:

As a personal experiment, I have read them and prayed them first thing every morning for almost a month now. I wanted to see what would happen. Guess what? I am happier. I know this is the point where the self-help books would share amazing results, and my apologies if you were hoping for more. It's enough for me. For now. 

Here's the crazy part. I found myself warning myself...be careful not to get too happy,  no one likes a Pollyanna. Myself also chided myself the other morning about overusing the "love" reaction on friends' Facebook posts. That doesn't even make sense. Don't be too happy or too proud of your friends? Myself is a "dumb bunny" sometimes!

My friend shared this and I really could relate:

Too often I hold back because I'm afraid of being too much. It occurred to me that's just another form of playing small. I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes:

With God's help, I'm choosing happiness and I'm done playing small.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. I sure don't have it all figured out, but I've been working on it and I wanted to check in. Love y'all.

Circles

In any discussion of my favorite quotes, 

"Always guard your circle" will for sure get a vote.

We become like those with whom we share our time

They influence our actions, our words, and our minds.

If someone in your group always starts the day

With a positive attitude and good words to say

You will soon find yourself buying in,

A smile on your face, and good thoughts just like them.

But if those around you always seem pretty sure

That every day just holds more pain to endure.

Then you'll find yourself always feeling down

With the joy on your face, replaced by a frown.

The concept is simple, I've seen it come true.

And it's got me wondering how I effect you.

Do the things that I do and the words that I say

Cause dark cloudy skies or bright sunshiny days?

I have lazy habits and self depreciating charm

Is it really amusing or does it bring harm?

Am I too quick to notice the things that were wrong?

Or do I share affirmations that make you feel strong?

Just a little self reflection on this peaceful morn

Praying and thinking about why I was born.

I don't yet know the answer, but one thing is clear

God has a plan and that's why we're still here.

For those in my circle, I'm so thankful for you.

We're in this together and we'll see it through

I hope the ripple effect of my cork on your lake

Sends out waves kindness and creates circles of faith.

Would the Real Me Please Stand Up?

Trying to decide if I should work to improve myself (physically, mostly) or work to embrace myself. Am I okay with being the somewhat eccentric widow lady who paints all her stuff crazy colors, has potatoes whenever she wants, talks to her dog, grows flowers, and gives out unsolicited yet often sage advice? 

After reading that, you'd think the choice is obvious. Embrace myself! I am woman. Hear me roar. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

The translation is, does the crazy widow lady end up alone?  If she does end up without a significant other, is she so in love with God and herself that she doesn't mind? Can she be alone and not lonely?

I have fretted about the opinion and approval of the opposite sex for at least 3/4 of my 48 years. Not that living in that manner was adverse, but isn't that long enough? Still I have to wonder if women who do their own thing with no regard for the opinions of others are actually more attractive to the right person as the romantic movies would lead us to believe. 

On the flip side, there's also the afraid-of-failure line of thinking that says even if I try, do the work, make the improvements there is a good chance I could still end up lonely.

I can hear it now...be you. Take your time. Don't make this decision before you are ready. I know that. What if I regret the choices I make now because my options will be limited later?

 I also know the right person will love you for who you are. But is that really truth?  It happened one time, but can lightening strike twice?

I know my happiness does not hinge on having a companion. I also know a partner does not guarantee feeling included. I've been in a relationship with someone and been very, very lonely at the same time.

I guess it really boils down to 2 questions: 

1. is what I think is the real me the best me or just the cop-out me? 

And

2. Are any of the me-s going to be attractive or interesting or beautiful to someone ever again?

Answer: I really don't know. This is where my faith is tested.

My 2 Cents During a Coin Shortage

Y'all probably might not really care about my opinions. Derek was fond of using a crude little saying that ended with "everybody's got one!" So true! But since you clicked the link here we go:

1. I am 100% in support of you choosing to send your kids back to school next month.

2. I am 100% in support of you choosing virtual learning for your kids.

3. I am 100% in support of you choosing to homeschool your kids.

4. I have great admiration for teachers who are excited about going back.

5. I have great admiration for teachers who are really conflicted about starting school.

6. I wear a mask even though I feel like it's an invasion of my freedoms.

7. I wear a mask even though I am not convinced that they are the solution.

8. I wear a mask out of respect for others. If you don't wear one, I respect that too.

9. I love this country.

10. I am so thankful for our first responders.

11. I will still watch football.

12. The color of your skin is not important to me, unless you are sunburned or jaundice and then I will worry about you.

13. There is so much more good in the world than we get to hear about.

14. Never ever EVER settle...in relationships, for uncomfortable shoes, or for stale chips.

15. Freakin' celebrate your uniqueness!

16. Friends and family are some of God's greatest gifts.

17. I don't fully trust the media, politicians, or people who don't like the corner brownie.

18. The turn lane should not be used to merge into the flow of traffic.

19. I don't open carry because I want to have the element of surprise, but I think you are awesome if you do. 

20. The couple in Missouri had every right to defend their home.

21. Carol Baskins killed her husband and Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself.

22. Music ain't what it used to be.

23. I'm a huge fan of sleeping with a fan.

24. You have to vote!!  No matter which side you are on. If you don't vote you are letting someone else make your decisions.

25. I am not buying in to the if we can just survive until 2021 mindset. The year had nothing to do with it. I will however still share the memes.

26. These restaurants that are bragging about not touching your food...shouldn't that have always been the policy?

27. God still has something amazing in store for you and for me. Our purpose is not yet fulfilled.

No Rush

It's been 6 weeks since my last confession...I mean blog.

I've survived Derek's birthday and the anniversary of our first date. My birthday and our anniversary are coming soon. Monday was 6 months since he passed away. I miss all of him.

They placed his headstone this week and tonight Zumi and I drove up to the cemetery. I didn't tell anyone I was going. I really wanted and needed to do this on my own, although I don't really know why.
The stone is beautiful and strangely makes everything feel official and final. I love it and I don't like it.

On my drive, I prayed. Really prayed for the first time in weeks. Not just the usual morning thank you for a new day prayers. But more like: hey, God? You sure you got this? And a whole lot of I'm so sorry I keep clinging to heavy stuff you already carry for me.

I also reflected on recent real and raw conversations I've had. Some have released me of guilt and given me permission to be happy. Some have encouraged me to keep moving forward. One person, though, reminded me life happens as it happens and there's no reason to force things. Be content where you are, but don't stop looking for blessings.

I realized tonight that for a lot of my life I've been in a rush. Get through high school while achieving certain goals. ✔ College. ✔ Career. ✔ Buy a house...well, you get the idea. I wanted to face grief the same way. I wanted to put my head down, forge ahead, check off the milestones, and get through it as fast as possible. Unfortunately, that's not how grief works.

I know there is no timeline, but I know I am not a person who can be sad every day. I also know constant happiness is unreasonable. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought, but that there is strength in asking for help, too. Now I am working on letting it be.

Breathe. Just Breathe.

It's a marathon not a sprint.

Look for joy in the journey.

Live. Laugh. Love.

Don't obsess about the end game.

God is in control.

Home/Self Improvement

Today, I painted the bathroom. I didn't plan on it, but the before and after pictures on Facebook are really nice. Of course, they only show part of the story. The real story starts with a message to my tribe:

"Y'all say some prayers today. I'm trying to make my bedroom the place where we loved and not the place where he died..."

139 days. That's how long it's been since Derek passed away. That's also how long it took for me to able to pick up his jeans off the bathroom floor. It was a personal victory. It was awful. I did it though. Then I laid across the bed and held them and cried. A bunch. It was ugly. It was cleansing.  When I finally sat up, I wiped my face and decided to go buy paint.

I am not done with the bedroom/bathroom makeover, but I am proud my progress so far.

There is still a lot of work to be done...on myself and on the rooms. The color isn't right just yet, and there's some touch-up to still be done, but today it's fresh and new, and I needed that.

Life, Purpose, and Puctuation

Last week, I got to see the proof for Derek's headstone (and mine!). Never in a million years, would I have dreamed I would be doing that at this time in my life. I think it turned out perfect. Seeing the dates of birth and death reminded me of this familiar poem:

The Dash Poem (By Linda Ellis) 

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
From the beginning...to the end

He noted that first came the date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
Know what that little line is worth

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering this special dash
Might only last a little while

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent YOUR dash?



I've been inspired by this poem for years, and I began to wonder if other punctuation correlated with life. Thinking back over my life, an exclamation point would certainly describe my relationship with Derek. We tried to cram a lot of life in, not because we thought the end was so close, but because we felt like our beginning came so late. So, we tried to make up for lost time.  We traveled. We were spontaneous. We were bold in our feelings for each other. Arguing over dumb stuff, making up, making out, praying...Everything we did had passion behind it. Even in the day to day, we could find joy and excitement.
   

If our time together was and exclamation point, then January 13th was the period. I read that the purpose of the period is to show the end.  It "is intended to make a statement…” (www.gingersoftware.com) It is the ugliest statement I've ever heard. It is the kind of statement where someone deserves to have their mouth washed out with soap. It is not a statement I would have made on my own. Clearly, I am not a fan of the period.

So far, this grief process is just a lot of question marks and a huge comma.  Questions that you eventually have to accept that there is no answer. Later even after you accept that there is no answer, you try asking the same thing a different way and hope that you are suddenly enlightened. You aren't. You suddenly realize that this time questioning is all part of the comma. The giant pause. Life is on hold for a moment. "... the comma represents a pause, which...functions to clarify meaning.” (www.butte.edu)  A pause to clarify meaning. The meaning of the loss. The meaning of life. The meaning of our life together. The meaning of my new life with out Derek. A pause for a breath. 

Recently, I was struggling some with the encouraging phrases "you got this" and "keep moving forward." I found myself feeling bitter and ungracious. I messaged a friend who has been on this road a little longer than I have and asked her if I am supposed to be "moving forward",  where the hell am I going? They say I've got this. Got what? What is the goal? Stay out of the liquor store and the State Hospital? Because some days those are very real goals!! She messaged me back:

"Maybe they mean keep moving forward until you find your purpose...why you and I are still here but our husbands are not." 

At first I didn't like that answer, because it just felt like more question marks and question marks are so exhausting. I don't know my purpose and a most of the time I don't even know how to look for it.

I saw this t-shirt last week:

• 
  

A semicolon. Even though many days I have wished it was, I know my story isn’t over. God has some reason for it to continue. Just because I'm nerdy like that, I researched the semicolon and found:

“When a semicolon is used to join two or more ideas (parts)... those ideas are then given equal position or rank.” (writing.wisc.edu) 

Two parts with equal rank...If my story is not over, does this mean that my future will be just as meaningful as my time with Derek? Honestly, I can't see it now, but I can hope that it will.  I can try to trust that God has plans to prosper and not harm me.

Decisions, Decisions

The three worst things about losing your husband are:
1. He's gone
2. Your mind is gone
3. Everything else sucks too

#1 is pretty obvious. #3 sounds whiny and needy, and even though it's pretty much true, I am trying hard not to be either of those things. So, if you don't mind, let's talk about the mind.

I have mentioned grief brain in earlier posts. I've been very surprised by how much of a struggle organizing thoughts, remembering things, and sometimes following conversations can be.

Case in point: last week I was in the front yard watering flowers. My neighbor who I don't really know was in her yard too. We exchanged pleasantries, chitchatted about flowers and the weather. Then in mid-conversation, my water can emptied and I just walked off to go refill it. Yep, just left her standing right there. When I realized what I'd done, I turned around just in time to see her front door close behind her.

It's kinda funny, but it's mostly embarrassing. I am working on this issue. I am doing brain training games, making lists, setting reminders, trying to get more sleep...all the recommended things.

I have found another aspect of brain malfunction: I cannot make a decision.

I used to know what I want. Sometimes I made wrong choices, but I am so stubborn I just stuck with it and made the best of it. Now I can't decide. I have some theories. I feel like maybe I never was a good decision maker. Maybe I just always had someone to bounce ideas off of - someone to tap the brakes or cheer me on. Maybe making decisions alone is just really hard and not what I ever wanted to do so my heart has conspired with my brain and they are functioning under protest.

In our back yard there is a place for a grill. I don't want that kind of grill. I have sat staring at this thing many evenings now. First it was going to be a water feature. Now maybe a place for plants, or extra seating for parties we won't host, maybe fill it in and make it a planter, or a water feature, or leave it as a grill, or maybe even a place where guests could sit. Sigh.

If I'm struggling that much with this choice, can you just imagine my brain with, maybe I should refi the house and try to get a lower payment? Or do I really need two SUVs? Wouldn't an SUV and a pick-up make more sense? Or what to do and where to go on my required vacation, because I sure as hell can't just stay here?  Or should I call or text my friends? I don't don't want to be a burden. Should I share this blog? What if people just hit like because they feel sorry for me?

It never stops.

Right now, I don't have the answers, but I know where to find them. I am now holding on to these promises:

And if anyone has a suggestion about that grill thing I'd consider it.

Crazy C

"Crazy, girl don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going no where
Silly woman, come here. let me hold you
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy girl." Eli Young band

I never thought I was a crazy girl. I mean I know some seriously messed up chicks. "Bitches be crazy." They rant on Facebook, they date losers and then they're surprised when losers do what losers do. Not me though, I had it under control.

When Derek and I found each other, I figured out it wasn't because I was so normal, it was because I had never gone "all in" before. I wasn't crazy, because I wasn't passionate. With him I felt safe. I was taken care of like never before. Our first date "the best night ever" as we called it, we talked until 4 in the morning. We decided to see where it went, feel what we felt, be honest, and if it was meant to be it would be. Either way, nothing held back. All in.

Emotions come in good and bad. We walked through them all. He could make me cry with sweet words. Furious with a smart mouth and that head bobble thing he did. He held me up when Dad died. He let me vent, but he also called me out. He could talk me back from the ledge.

I think the big thing with keeping everything bottled up, is once it's out it doesn't go back as easy. Now that he's gone I don't know how to not be passionate. Some days I'm okay. Some days there's nothing I can do but react to the raw. And some days keeping the crazy in check is too much and I don't have the energy. This week has been a mixture of all three.

He loved me like crazy.

I miss him like crazy.

Maybe embracing it is just one more step of healing. Maybe I'll never come back. I know the old "normal" isn't me anymore, and I realize I need to channel these current emotions too. So I suppose, I'm about to do something great or become the most eccentric woman ever. Maybe both. Stay tuned.

Laying it Down

Last weekend I was really struggling.

Every night when we went to bed, I would lay on Derek's shoulder and we would try to talk. I say try, because a lot of nights, I would fall asleep while he was talking. It wasn't that I was bored by what he was saying, it's just that if I get still, quiet, and comfortable, I will fall asleep anywhere. I think it comes from my dad's rodeo days. I slept a million miles in the back seat, or in a camper, or on a bleacher bench, or even a blanket pallet on the ground. (Good, good times!) Usually, I think this is a blessing, but  not when the person you love is sharing his feelings, or telling you how much he loves you, or making plans for a future.

Derek would realize I had fallen asleep (and not because I snore like a 454 big block Chevy, because I absolutely DO NOT!), and he would wake me up a little angry and a little hurt that I was snoozing during his important thought. I always felt bad, but seriously, if you hold me, stroke my hair and whisper how much you love me I am going to fall asleep. Can you think of a more perfect way - safe and secure?

Well, I have been carrying a LOT of guilt about those missed moments and more specifically about the night he died. I have been torturing myself with what if questions...

What if he tried to wake me up?

What made me wake up when I did?

What if he had one last beautiful thing to tell me and I missed it?

Do you see how the devil tries to isolate us with guilt and shame?? I carried this for a while before I was even able share it with my girls. I am so blessed to be surrounded by wise, praying women! One of them turned it back on me and asked, "What if God let you sleep to protect you?"

Wow.

Of course, I'd never thought of it like that. I am working on being able to praise God for this bit of grace, but I am not quite there just yet.

Today is Palm Sunday and our preacher shared the scripture from Matthew 26:36-46 where Jesus has gone to pray knowing what was ahead. He asked his disciples to "watch & pray" while he went off by himself. Three times he came back and found them sleeping. Jesus did not decide that his friends didn't love him. He didn't really even chastise them much as if he understood. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

I believe that Derek knows that I love him. I believe that he now knows what God planned and understands why I slept even if I don't. I am closer to releasing this guilt and to finding peace about this.

As we prepare for Passion Week or Holy Week, let us lay down our guilt, and worry, and shame like palm leaves, and focus on the victory that has already been won for us. Let us cry out:

Hosanna in the highest!

Shower Curtains of Blessings

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a hard night. I was sitting there feeling pretty down and my phone chimed. I had a messenger message:

Honestly, I don't know this person that well, but I am not going to argue with a sweet friend whose heart has told them to do something. I mean, I'm having a hard night, it's late, it's random...that's God working. 

She let me know it would arrive Wednesday and I spent a couple of days very curious. Some people might have worried that it wouldn't match their decor, but my bathroom is painted mustard and has a pink sink and pink tile. The bathroom is "L" shaped and in the corner of the L is the laundry area...part of it is painted black. Frankly, I was praying that it wouldn't match.

She's told me she thought it would make me smile and that I deserved to start my day with a smile. Y'all. Is that not the sweetest thing?

Wednesday came and 2 boxes arrived. The first one was a set of Navy towels. Okay, I like navy and towels to match is beyond thoughtful. The next box had 2 lime green shaggy bath mats and I'll admit I was puzzled. Then I dug down and found the shower curtain. And it is PERFECT!! 

I never realized how long my current shower curtain is and I was disappointed that this one was too short. Then I had a great idea to hide the washer and dryer with it.

I LOVE IT!! and I smile every time I look at it and I am so thankful for praying, caring, giving friends.

I don't know why God chose to use Amy and a baseball shower curtain to make me smile. I don't know what crazy, random, scary, thing He's asking you to do. I do know that it is so worth listening, because you never know how you'll be used to bless someone.

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:9 | NIV 

Earring Project Complete...Finally!

I had an idea for a little easy craft project. I may or may not LOVE earrings. They always fit and as Truvy says "Our ability to accessorize is what separates us from the animals." They really needed to be more organized.

My Mom was in town and I presented my plan and she was on board. We went to Goodwill and got the mismatched 8×10 frames. Then to Lowe's for screws, hinges, staples, staple gun, and a little board. Next, burlap and a little hacksaw from Wal-mart and we were all set. For this easy project. I was thinking a little paint, put some hinges and done. I even planned a how-to blog about this super easy do-it-yourself project.Yep, easy peasy.

To do this project I needed:

3 weeks.
3 trips to the hardware store.
Tears.
Cussin'
Prayers.
Advice.

Here are the pictures that explain the basics of the project.




Less than $5 to purchase these frames. There was debate on leaving them like this, but turquoise "is my signature color" (2 Steel Magnolias references in 1 blog - Whoop!)

 

The original earring organization plan was ice trays. They worked and they were inexpensive, but I outgrew them.

These tiny screws almost screwed up the whole project....



I cut this board with my new "handy dandy" saw. (That sure was a Ronnal Bruton thing to say if I ever heard one!)

Staples & Hinges Part 2. Bigger is better on the hinges. The staples were color coded, but I didn't notice until I'd bought and brought home the wrong ones. I stretched the burlap across and stapled it to the back of the frames, then hinged the frame to the pieces of board.





Almost done! (Can I get a hallelujah?)



Final look! Love it! The frames swing out so I can put the earring backs on the ones that need them.

Up close...

This is what I gained/learned from this project:

1. Cool earring storage...obvi
2. It's okay to take a break. It's okay to give myself a break. Especially right now when I am struggling with focus and frustration.
3. I still need to finish. Even when I'm frustrated. Even when I am overwhelmed. I have to press on.
4. I should trust God, not my expectations. I thought this would be easy. I thought my life would be different. God has a plan and my expectations are really just an attempt at control.
5. There is hope in loss. I have some missing earrings, but I have hope they're out there somewhere. Same with my heart...some of it is missing, but there is still hope.



FEAR

I have battled with the fear of loneliness for most of my adult life. Read that closely. Not being alone. Being lonely. I was an only child - alone is kinda my jam. But loneliness,  or being forgotten or not being included...that I fear.

Looking back over my life, I see several examples of me making big decisions that were driven by fear of loneliness. I was willing to put up with a lot in order to not be lonely. In fact, the main reason I am not a mother is a result of my choice in a take it or leave it ultimatum in my first marriage. In that moment I was too afraid that leaving would have left me lonely. Here's the irony: 1. I ended up being lonely anyway even sitting in the same room and 2. Not having kids has made the probability of future loneliness much higher.

Recently in grief group, we discussed unhealthy and unproductive thought patterns. I caught myself this evening traveling down one of those roads:

I am lonely. I am completely alone. I will always be alone.

Now, my brain knows that these thoughts are not entirely my reality, but it was so easy to take that path.

This past week we have been encouraged to self contain or self quarantine or separate to stop the spread of COVID-19 aka the Corona Virus.  I have a real fear that if this happens to me I will have a mental break down. Keeping busy has been an escape for me.

Also,as I am sure you know, most all sports have been suspended for the immediate future due to this self containment plan. Now, I understand that a lot of you could not care less. Excuse me, but:  whoopty doopty do for you! This s a BIG deal for me. Sports were our thing. We watched sports, talked about sports,  traveled to see sports, had friends over to watch sports... You get the idea. Continuing to do these things was a way to stay connected to Derek and the life we built. I am afraid of losing that link to him.

I know. I know.

Faith over fear.
Fear is a liar. (I have that one on a sticky note on my computer screen)
Fear is an acronym for: False Evidence Appearing Real
Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

I know. I've heard the same speeches you have. I also know the bible tells us "do not be afraid" at least 80 times.

I am just saying that I am struggling; and that I really am trying.

Grief is a Form of Brain Damage

Let me start by saying, I have done absolutely no scientific research on this, but here's the deal:

Grief is a form of brain damage.

My memory is so tuned into remembering him and remembering us that a lot of things seem to be pushed aside. If I don't write it down it either didn't happen or it's a future thing that won't happen. I've always been a list maker, but this is ridiculous. I cannot remember how to do things. Things I should know how to do - like open a safe deposit box account. I almost had a panic attack the other day and had to ask a co-worker for help doing something I've done on my own many times before. So embarrassing. Another thing, my drivers license number and our bank's routing number have the same first three digits. Only until recently have I had to be very careful that I am giving a customer the routing number and not my DL.

Also, it seems like I cannot figure anything out on my own. Tonight when my Netflix locked up and I couldn't get my Dish Network to work I absolutely couldn't figure it out on my own. First, I was so overwhelmed and distraught because that sort of thing Derek would have had  fixed in seconds.

Note: Bunny trail that has nothing to do with me not being able to figure stuff out:
One time when Derek was pretty young he got in trouble and was grounded from the TV in his room. His mom removed the cable box, but he figured out a way to lay his metal little school scissors across the inputs and get the antennae to work so he could watch "wras-ling" live from the Sport-a-torium.

Second, TV/Satellite/Modem/Routers are not my thing. You know what was wrong with my TV? Well, neither do I, BUT I had to have a friend, who was once my IT guy, call and talk me through figuring out that when I thought I was turning everything off to re-set, there was one device plugged in a different way that I didn't notice. I absolutely don't think I could have found that on my own, and I was crying and sniffling on the phone because I don't want to have to do this stuff on my own.

The TV thing is almost understandable, because as I said, that's not my area. But I am pretty dang handy. I can weld and I can crochet and I couldn't figure out how to put a little tiny screw in for some hinges on my project the other day. I had to post on Facebook for ideas and all the advice I got was something I already knew or normally would have realized on my own.

Oh, and I have even less patience than I did before. This is bad, because that is an area I've always struggled. If you are in front of me and the light changes and you don't punch it, I am probably talking about 'yo mama and envisioning ramming you. I don't have anywhere to be, but I want you to move the heck out of my way! I don't like that person, but I seem to have trouble controlling her.

Maybe that's out of fear of losing interest in driving or forgetting where I'm going, because not only is my memory basically toast, I have a super short attention span. I see more shiny objects now than I ever did before. The other night I was cooking supper and remembered the dryer had stopped. I wandered away to see if the towels were dry and then went back to the couch before I remembered the pan on the stove.

Dang. IT! I'm smart. No, really. I am. I pray this brain fog is not something that lasts a long time. I hope that all this is the brain's way of protecting itself from hard things, but I'll let you in on another secret...the hard things are still hard. As I wrote about when Dad passed away, it's not the things that you expect to be hard that get ya.  Of course, they do, but it's those sneaky hard things like choosing an emergency contact on a form or closing his debit card or hearing a song on the radio, or trying to fix the TV that rip the rug from under you.

Once again, I am so thankful for my friends and family and even the dog. Keep those prayers, timely texts, funny memes, etc coming. I am trying, but I've got a long way to go.

Day by Day

They ask how I am,

I answer, “Okay”

They gently remind me

Just live day by day

I know that they surely

Don’t mean to be trite

But each day is rough

And try as I might.

Monday is hard 

It’s the nature of such

And I’ve no one to tell   

When the day’s been too much

Tuesdays are tough

That’s the mid-week ball game

And watching all by myself

Just isn’t the same

Wednesdays are dreary

It was the weekly buffet

We'd download the crosswords

And eat while we played

Thursday’s a drag

Cause we’d plan the weekend

What, who, or where

Our “us” time we’d spend

Friday should be good

but they really suck

No one’s home waiting

Texting, “Babe hurry up!”

Saturdays are lonely

No matter how I pretend

Nothing's as much fun

Without my best friend.

Sunday's the worst

It was the last day we had

And each one that passes

Is a reminder so sad.

I miss early Sunday breakfast

 Then our mid morning nap

With my head on your chest

And the dog in your lap.

So I am definitely living

My life day by day

One foot then the other

Breathe deeply and pray.

Right now that's just
The very best I can do
I hope better days are coming
So I keep pushing through.